If you are very quiet and listen really hard, you can actually hear Jay Leno crying and complaining that everything is unfair from your living room. Honest.
GO ON OPRAH AND COMPLAIN THAT JIMMY KIMMEL IS PICKING ON HIM
MAKE FUN OF BOB BARKER
People that make fun of Bob Barker aren’t even human beings. I daresay that Bob Barker is even cooler than Meatloaf. Maybe this blog will become a Bob Barker Says Your Price is Wrong blog (no, it won’t, I promise).
In the words of my dearest friend: “Who do you think you are?! You’re talking to Bob f#*$ing Barker!” (yes, it’s still edited for my Momma)
WHEEL HIS DOG AROUND IN A STROLLER
I don’t know why people find this to be an acceptable thing to do. Your dog is a dog, not a tiny baby. I don’t even like babies, and I am appalled by this. Also, please stop putting a tutu on your dog. He doesn’t like it. Neither does Meatloaf.
BECOME A MEMBER OF PETA
On a serious (seriously) note: PETA is a horrible organization.
From a PETA blog:
“Meatloaf, do us and your colon a favor and change your name to Lentil Loaf.”
DEAR PETA,
Do us a favor and shut your face. Also, how dare you reference Meatloaf’s colon in such a tasteless manner. He is going to let the men and women out of the cages that you put them in order to “speak out against the cruel treatment of animals”. Way to put animal rights before human rights, PETA!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Imma go chow down on some bacon.
PARTAKE IN ANY SORT OF BEASTIALITY
What? You think it’d be interesting to involve some sort of animal in your sex life? Really? You want Meatloaf to join you? No. Sorry, Meatloaf doesn’t roll like that. Neither does any other functional human being that isn’t trying to benefit from something really icky. Just no.
For serious, NBC? Why would you push Conan back until after midnight to accommodate dumb Jay Leno?!!? Way to continue making poor life choices, as well as network choices. For shame!
P.S. Stop apologizing for your hair, Conan! It is AWESOME.
CHEAT ON HIS WIFE WITH SOMEONE THAT WAS ON TOOL ACADEMY
Though I love the train wreck trash-fest that is Tool Academy, I must say that I doubt Meatloaf would ever be involved with any woman (or man, for that matter) that was on the show. Especially if he had a wife that is as cute as Tiger’s.
P.S. Dear Tiger Woods: From now on, please attempt to model your life after Meatloaf’s. In fact, why don’t you just call him before you many any life choices from now on.
STEAL BABY JESUS
Meatloaf would never steal baby Jesus. Nor would he write you a passive aggressive note about stealing baby Jesus.
He also would not capitalize the B in baby, because baby wasn’t actually a part of Jesus’ name. “Baby Jesus Christ”? I think not.
GET DRUNK AND DRESS UP AS SANTA, SCARRING THE LIVES OF TONS OF CHILDREN
Side note: I request more drunk Santas in the world. Happy drunk Santas, specifically.
